How
to Ruin Your Life
Eight
Effortless Ways to Let Your Self-Talk Defeat You in ‘08
By Tony Stoltzfus
January is when our eyes optimistically
turn to the year ahead. What will I accomplish this year? What are my dreams?
What do I want to change? However, new-year's resolutions rarely address the
persistent obstacles that sabotage our efforts. One major roadblock to change
is what coaches call self-talk: the messages we habitually or unconsciously
tell ourselves about who we are and how life works. Below are eight common
self-talk messages. Maybe one is stymieing you!
Nothing protects you from disappointment
more than your belief in your limitations. Why expend all that effort
exercising self-control or building a new habit when you know you'll fail in
the end anyway? Just let yourself go: you've been living with the consequences
already, so why not just let it slide for another year? Don't expect so much of
yourself, and you won't feel so bad when you don't get it.
You've accomplished a lot. But in your
darker moments, it still feels empty. You find yourself striving for more, even
though what you have attained hasn't turned out as satisfying as you thought it
would be. Don't stop pushing! The things that seem just out of reach -- your
father's approval, business success, recognition, the sense of pleasing God --
they're just around the corner! Being driven has gotten you this far, so now is
not the time to change. You just need to try a little bit harder. If anyone can
make this work, you can. And when you do, it will prove to the whole world how
worthwhile you are.
Life is tough. In fact, it is so tough
that just thinking about it is a downer sometimes. Making friends or getting
involved in church might some add spice to life, but relating to people is so
much…work.
So keep distracting yourself! TV is a reliable way to get some instant
enjoyment without having to invest energy in people. Or stay up late playing
computer games -- it always feels good to beat the computer. Or get lost on the
internet! Jumping from one link to another can let you avoid an odious task for
hours. And porn is a great option if you feel down and need some cheap gratification.
You'll probably feel even worse when you're done, but those few moments where
you feel good may be the highlight of your day.
Maybe this is the year the people around
you will finally change. I know, I know, conflict is always a two way street.
But your side is a bike path and their side is like rush hour on I-80. I mean,
the things you have to put up with! It's amazing you are as gracious as you
are. So stick to your guns: after all, you're in the right. If they apologize
first, you'll make the same gesture. And if not, keep letting them know they
have a problem. It may be that the shaming, the sulking, the anger, or the passive-aggressive
behavior they deserve (and are getting) from you is the thing that will finally
lead them to repentance.
All your life you've lived by the law of
self-sufficiency: "I can do it, and I don't need help." You're the
prototypical American, the rugged individualist, the can-do leader. Asking for
help is for sissies. Just because your marriage is lifeless, the kids are
drifting away or the debt is mounting doesn't mean you should go running to your
small group for help. This kind of stuff can happen to anybody- just tough it
out and things will eventually turn around. You aren't any worse than anyone
else. As long as you can hold things together on the outside, there's no need
to admit your how weak you feel sometimes.
If people really knew your heart, they'd get
off your back. People somehow develop these overblown expectations of you, when
all you are doing is trying to help. And then when they get disappointed, for
some reason it’s all your fault! I
mean, you did as well as anyone could given the circumstances. Things changed,
and there was really no reasonable way to give them exactly what you promised. How
about a little flexibility?!? Clearly they don't understand you or the demands
on your life. It's best to just ignore that kind of off-base criticism and move
on. They just don't understand your heart.
You are facing some tough issues in life: problems
at home, conflicts in the workplace, and more. But you're a survivor. Probably
God is just using this to teach you patience. So just put your head down and
keep on going. Don't think too much about what your situation means, or how to
change it: that's a distraction you can't afford. And that nagging sense that
maybe its your problem? If you start paying attention to self doubts, they just
drag you down. This isn't a learning experience, no matter what anyone else
says: it’s about survival. If you just keep on slogging ahead, you can put up
with almost anything.
There's a right way and a wrong way to do
everything, and you are committed to excellence; to doing it right! Why do people have such a hard
time with this simple concept? For instance, every problem has a best solution.
Every decision takes you down a right or a wrong path. If you make the right
choice, God will bless you. If you choose wrong…well, you'll just get to eat
the fruit of that poor decision. The consequences of doing it wrong are so
high, it is no wonder you feel fearful and get all tied up in knots whenever you
face a major decision. You'd look like a big, fat failure if you did something
wrong -- at least to yourself. The safest course of action is to analyze
everything exhasutively before you do anything, minimize risk, and above all,
make certain you do it right.
Does one of these paragraphs sound like you? If so, here's a
question to ask yourself: What if, instead of continuing to cope with this
thinking pattern, I could eradicate it? What if in 90 days it was gone entirely
from my life? Take a few moments and envision what life would be like if you
were no longer fearful, or no longer were driven, or you let go of having to
look like you have it all together. What would that be like? This could happen
in your life. Why not try?
Tony
Stoltzfus is a long-time coach, author and co-founder of a large Christian
coach training school. His personal coaching site is http://www.CoachingPastors.com